The Talk With Sirius
by SorifTheHunter
Summary: Its late at 12 Grimmauld Place. Sirius misses Harry and is bored out of his mind. Deciding Harry needs to get 'The Talk' he goes to wake him up. What was supposed to be a simple talk turns into a full scale, every man for himself, have no mercy, take no prisoners, war. Turned into a Three-Shot!
1. Chapter 1

Silence reigned over 12 Grimmauld Place. The kind of silence you only find around midnight when everyone is asleep.

* * *

Or **should **be asleep

Sirius walked around his family's house bored out of his mind.

He had been in that house for months on end with nothing to do. Dumbledore didn't allow him out of the house very often. Harry had been in school for months. He had just arrived and decided that sleep would do him better than spending time with his Godfather.

Harry was a young adult now; Sirius thought as he paced the house, most likely already had girlfriends and everything at school. He was a very handsome boy, probably had to beat girls off with his broomstick, much like himself in his Hogwarts days.

It was time for Harry to get the 'Talk'

"HARRY!" Sirius bellowed, leaping up the stairs three at a time.

The boy-who-lived shot out of his room with his wand drawn, he looked disheveled, obviously just woken up from his sleep. His glasses were on his face at an odd angle, his clothes were rumpled and crumpled.

"We need to talk!" Sirius said excitedly

Harry arched an eyebrow and looked at a clock on the wall

"At midnight?!" he asked

"Yes we need to have the 'Talk'!" Sirius nodded enthusiastically

"What talk?" Harry asked suspiciously

"THE 'Talk'"

Harry's eyes widened in panic. He loved Sirius but that was not a subject he wanted to talk about with his Godfather. How was he going to tell his Godfather that politely? Several scenarios went through his head. None of them were very good.

"I figured." Sirius was saying as Harry thought "Since you're a young adult now and James isn't around… it falls on to me, your Godfather, to give you the talk."

Harry was slowly backing away from his eager Godfather, he gripped his wand tightly and searched for possible means of escape.

"Can't this wait until the morning or maybe until my next break or better yet after I graduate?" Harry pleaded

"Nope. Now. My room." Sirius commanded pointing to the stairwell

Harry pondered his options. With a shrug he looked at Sirius in the eye "I'm sorry Sirius." He said slowly

"Sorry for what?" his Godfather asked watching Harry's hand

"This." Harry answered and pointed his wand at Sirius. "Stupefy!" he shouted sending a red bolt at Sirius

The ex-Azkaban prisoner dodged the spell nimbly and stared at Harry with concern "Now now Harry. You know you have to have this conversation." He dodged another spell from the frantic boy

"No I don't!" Harry shouted flinging spells at his father's best friend.

Sirius sighed and pulled out his own wand. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this…" he said sorrowfully "Petrificus Totalus!" he shouted

"Protego!"

A room door opened and Molly Weasley stuck her head out. "What's going on here?" she demanded

"Sirius has gone bloody mad!" Harry shrieked jumping out of the way of a body bind curse. "He wants to have the talk with me!"

"What talk?" she demanded

"THE TALK!"

Molly looked at Sirius in surprise. The man was hiding behind a particularly large vase at the edge of the stairs and was sending several spells and jinxes at his Godson.

A stunning curse missed Harry by far and hit a metal plate hanging on the wall. Rebounding off it went flying at Molly and hit her square in the chest, knocking her out cold.

Sirius halted his spell flinging for a second and stared at the unconscious body of the Weasley mother. "We are so dead when she gets back up." He said before sending another stupefy at Harry

"What do you mean 'we'?!" Harry shouted

"You're my accomplice!" he yelled back after rolling backwards to dodge another hex

George and Fred's head's popped out of another door and looked at them amusedly

"What in" George began

"Bloody hell" Fred continued

"Is going on here?" the demanded together

"And why is mum unconscious on the floor?" Ron quipped up, poking his own head out of his and Harry's room. "Why are you dueling in the hallway?"

"He's trying to give me the talk!" Harry shouted casting another protego "Help me!"

"What bloody talk are you talking about?" Ron inquired

"Ohh I think he means THE talk." Fred crowed

"Maybe we should help him?" George suggested

The twins pulled their wands from the pajamas and started throwing every schoolyard hex and jinx they knew at Harry who was now cowering behind a dresser.

"Ron!" He bellowed "Help me!"

The freckled friend of Harry sighed and pulled out his own wand "Fine but you owe me for this. Expelliarmus!"

"What is going on down there?" Hermione called form above them

"Hermione, flank them!" Ron screamed getting hit by a tarantallegra and now dancing uncontrollably

"Flank who? Are we under attack?" She shouted running down the stairs.

"No it's them! They've gone loony!" Ron shouted sending a tripping hex at them.

The tripping hex sailed past them and hit Hermione as she turned around the railings. She fell backwards, grabbing at whatever she could to keep her balance. She grabbed what she thought to be a curtain and ripped it away.

"MUDBLOODS AND BLOOD TRAITORS IN MY HOUSE AND THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS!" the portrait screamed

"If that didn't wake everyone else up, then we have a serious problem, don't you agree Forge?" a twin said releasing several jinxes from his wand

"I couldn't agree more Gred." The other replied following it up with several hexes.

"BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE! HOW DARE YOU BEFOUL THE HOUSE OF MY FATHERS?!"

The sounds of running feet pounded on the floor over them

"Here comes Ginny." Ron said, recovered from his dancing legs and still battling the Twins and the Godfather.

Hermione got back to the top of the stairs and glared at Ron

"You tripped me!" she accused

"Accidents happen in battle!" he shouted as an explanation while avoiding spells from the twins.

"Oh accidents my arse!" she shouted and joined the fray on the side of Sirius

"That's one of the things I was going to talk about, Harry!" The Godfather shouted

"I REALLY would rather talk about anything else than Hermione's backside!" Harry shouted

"Should I take offense to that?" Hermione asked the twin's

"I don't know… you have quite the nice one." One of them said

"Fred!" Hermione shouted, blushing and now turning against the twins

"Wasn't me it was George!"

"George!" she yelled blasting spells at Fred, George and Ron simultaneously

"He's lying it was Gred!"

"Gre- wait… who's Gred?!"

"Can someone tell me why you are all fighting in the hallway?" Ginny shouted, now at the base of the stairs

"I'm trying to give Harry the Talk!" Sirius explained "And he refuses to come quietly!"

"Sirius has gone mad!" Harry roared as he sent more stunning spells at them

"We got woken and decided that helping Sirius is the best." One of the twins shouted, taking over from Hermione's onslaught of spells

"I'm just helping my best mate fight off my lunatic brothers!" Ron yelled

"I was just coming down to see what was going on." Hermione said "Then…"

"I accidently tripped you!"

"And I complemented your backside!"

"You complemented her what?" Ginny shrieked at her brothers

"Oh bloody hell." George muttered

"Shouldn't have told her that." Fred murmured now trying not to get hit by his sister's spells

"Yes, Ginny! Join us! Join the Light!" Harry shouted, dashing forward to cover her with his own spellpower

"We need to retreat!" Ron said "We're too heavily outnumbered; we're fighting a losing battle!"

"Retreat to our bedroom!" Harry shouted to Ginny, pulling her away to safety.

"Like hell you're taking her into that bedroom without having the Talk first!" Sirius yelled, attacking Harry with renewed energy

"Hold on a bloody moment!" Fred shouted turning to Sirius

"Are you insinuating" George continued

"Harry would do something like that"

"To our sister?"

"I think it is time we switched sides, brother." Fred said

George nodded and they turned their backs on Harry, Ron and Ginny and provided them cover fire as they retreated the back of the hallway

Hermione fired a stunning curse and with luck she hit Fred in the rear, knocking him unconscious

"George! No wait… I'm George today. FRED!"

A full body binding curse hit George, removing him from the battle.

"HOW DARE YOU BATTLE IN MY HOUSE! MUDBLOODS! BLOOD TRAITORS! DESECRATING MY HOME!"

"The twin's are down!" Ron said "Sirius turned on them… or it could be they turned on him and lost… I'm not sure exactly."

"Hermione is dueling Sirius" Ginny informed them

Ron peered around the corner, Hermione had her back to them.

"She does have a nice arse…" he muttered

"Ron!" Ginny shouted hitting him with a Bat Bogey Hex and then several stunners. Effectively removing him from the rest of the battle

"You just killed our ally!" Harry said "Can I trust no one in this harsh cruel world?" he moaned before blasting Ginny with a stunner as well.

Hermione glanced over her shoulder to see Ginny slump to the floor. She barely dodged a jinx from Sirius "HOLD ON WAIT! WAIT!" she shouted

Sirius paused but kept his wand pointed at her "What?"

"I don't even remember why I'm fighting. I surrender."

"It was because you have a nice ass." Harry said behind her.

Hermione turned around to hex him but was hit by a Petrificus Totalus from Sirius.

They gazed at each other for several seconds.

"So it's just us again?" Harry stated the obvious, never lowering his wand from being pointed at his Godfather.

"All of your friends are down, Harry. Just give up before I do something we will both regret. Like casting Rictusempra on Ron or Hermione."

Harry gasped "You wouldn't!"

Sirius pointed his wand at Hermione whose eyes were flickering at Harry pleadingly,

"Sirius you don't have to do this!" Harry said beseechingly

"Yes I do!"

Harry gapped at his Godfather "You won't actually do it."

"I won't? I swear I will!"

"Fine what do you want?" Harry said imploringly "Just don't tickle them!"

Sirius flicked his wand quickly casting "Expelliarmus!" and catching Harry's wand

Harry gulped

"Incarcerous!" Sirius casted

Roped shot from his wand and wrapped themselves tightly around Harry who promptly, fell to the floor with a groan.

Sirius walked over to him with a smile on his face and tossed him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Time for the Talk, Harry."

The door that Molly had come out of opened hesitantly as Mr. Weasley stepped out and looked around.

All of his children were on the ground along with Hermione and his wife. Sirius was walking off to his bedroom with Harry tied and gagged.

Arthur sighed, turned back around and walked back into his room. Whatever happened out there could wait. He had to go to work early in the morning. Whatever mischief the twins or Sirius must have caused could wait until **after **he had a nice night's sleep.

* * *

Silenced reigned over 12 Grimmauld Place the kind you only find when you have two people in body binds, four people unconscious form stunners, one person sound asleep and one person tied up getting THE TALK

Oh and one portrait that was screaming her bloody head off.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! I decided to continue it since several people asked me to. I loved all the reviews I got on the first chapter. It's actually got more favorites than both of my long term Fics… put together. That's actually kind of sad…**

**But ANYWAYS this might be less funny then the first chapter. I thought I might warn you now.**

* * *

Noise reigned over 12 Grimmauld Place. The kind of noise you find when all hell's chaos has erupted.

* * *

Harry was tired.

Thrashing around while being magically tied up was useless. No matter how hard or how much you tried. After about 3 hours of it. He gave up.

Sirius smiled triumphantly at his godson. His closed his book and looked up. After almost a full hour of dueling him and over half the Weasely family he finally prevailed and managed to tie Harry up.

So he could give him… the Talk.

It was difficult at first. Harry tried thrashing around to get out of the ropes as Sirius began to try talk about chromosomes , that didn't work at all. So he decided to read a book about Sex Ed while Harry tried escaping. The young boy had given up and listened to him intently after three hours. It went well for several minutes

Then he began to talk about… certain things.

That's when Harry tried gnawing through the ropes with his teeth.

"Tsk tsk." Sirius clicked his tongue "You don't actually think you can actually chew threw those do you? Now Harry, let us begin with the first lesson; when a guy likes a girl-"

"MERLIN'S PANTS, SOMEONE HELP ME!" Harry screamed

Sirius sighed and gagged his Godson before continuing

* * *

Downstairs, Arthur was quietly eating his breakfast of eggs and a side of bacon as the rest of his clan along with Hermione hobbled in.

"Ugh…" Ron said glaring at the still screaming portrait "Can someone please get that bloody thing to shut up?"

"Already tried." Arthur said to his son "Someone tore off the curtain."

Everyone glared at Hermione who just sighed and helped herself to the food on the table.

"So is anyone going to tell me what in Merlin's name happened?" Arthur asked

"Sirius and Harry were dueling in the hall." Ron said through bites of bacon

"Over?" Arthur asked the twins

Fred and George blinked uncertainly

"Uhh…" Fred started looking at George

"What was it?" his twin asked

"Sirius was trying to give Harry the Talk." Hermione said

"What Talk?" Ginny asked

Hermione stared at her blankly "I'm not all that sure actually."

"Oh yeeeeaaaahhh." Fred said, remembering what happened "Sirius was trying to give Harry THE Talk."

"And how did you all get mixed into that?"

"We decided-" Fred began

"To help Sirius." George ended

"But that backfired when Sirius insinuated that Harry was taking Ginny to his room for unmentionable things."

Everyone looked at Ginny whose skin was turning tomato red.

Arthur arched an eyebrow and looked at them "Then shouldn't you have been angry at Harry and NOT Sirius?"

Fred and George paused for a moment while Ron sniggered into a large bowl of porridge

"That would have made sense…" Fred admitted

"Maybe we should go hex Harry…" George muttered "Just in case."

"I can do whatever I want with Harry in his room!" Ginny shouted at them "I'm grown up enough!"

"That sounded wrong in so many ways…" Hermione muttered

"How about I jinx you all into next week?!" Ginny threatened, making Ron cringe slightly "I'll do whatever I want with Harry!"

"Like hell you will!" Ron shouted back "Harry is my best mate!"

"And if I wanna snog him I'll do it all I want!" Ginny retorted "You're not the boss of me!"

"But I happened to be." Arthur said firmly "And for no reason under the sun will you be doing anything like that to ANYONE. Am I understood?"

Ginny nodded sullenly and went back to eating

"Now how did the rest of you get involved?" Arthur asked

"I noticed Harry get out of bed." Ron said "So I peeked out and saw him dueling with Sirius with the twins standing by. After they joined Sirius I joined him to try and event things out."

"I came running down to see what all the commotion was. I was hit by a tripping hex from Ron."

"How did you rip the curtain?"

"I grabbed the curtain to try and steady myself as I FELL DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS." Hermione emphasized

George waved his hand dismissively "Ron has fallen down flights of stairs more times then we can count."

"Could explain why he's so dumb" Ginny murmured under her breath

"You might have a point…" Her father muttered back

"I heard that!" Ron exclaimed

"Heard what?" Ginny asked innocently

"What you said!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Yes you did!"

"Did not!"

"Did-" Ron slumped to the ground.

"There was no way I was going to let than continue."

Everyone looked around and saw Arthur calmly slip his wand back into his pocket acting like nothing happened

"Ooookay." Hermione said "That wasn't strange at all."

"He usually doesn't do that in front of guests." Fred informed her

"He says it's not polite."

"Continue with what happened."

"When I came back up Fred… complimented my rear."

"I told you it wasn't me!" Fred outraged

"Then it was George."

"Wasn't me either!"

"Then who was it?"

"IT WAS GRED!" they shouted at her

"THERE IS NO GRED!"

The twin's jaw dropped before they fell to their knees and clasped their hands staring at the ceiling.

"Please forgive her Gred, she didn't mean that." George prayed

"She is a non-believer in your holy and godly prankfullnes." Fred continued. They paused and pretended to be listening to some divine voice "What is that Lord?" he asked

"You would like us to prank her to prove you exist?" George smiled widely

"Who are they talking to?" Ginny asked her father cautiously

"I think they might have actually gone completely insane…" Arthur answered with a sigh. He couldn't have had a normal life could he?

The twins finished their conversation with the holy deity Gred. They stood up and turned towards her with twin evil smiles spread across their faces.

"Rubbish! There is no god named Gred!" Hermione yelled before looking at them worriedly before slowly pushing her chair back. "You guys are kidding right?"

"What the Great Gred commands, we do." They answered creepily

Hermione glared at them before storming out of the room.

After the door closed Ginny laughed and looked at her brothers "So you guys made up a god just to scare Hermione into not being angry with you complimenting her backside?"

The two twins turned and stared at their sister "Do you as well doubt the Mighty Gred?"

Ginny's laughed died away as she saw the look her brother's were giving her "O-o-of course not!" she stuttered "I am a true believer just like you!"

"So you guys are going to use that old trick of making her think you're out to get her when really you aren't and are just going to make her destroy herself?" their father asked with an amused look on his face.

The twins turned and to look at their father, they stared at him blankly for several seconds

"What-"

"In MERLIN'S BOXER'S NAME-"

"WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT?!"

Arthur sighed "Never mind."

"Seriously, what would make you think they would pass up and opportunity to prank someone? Especially, when the Almighty Gred commanded them to?" Ginny demanded

"Merlin's Beard you've gone insane to." Arthur observed

"How do you know that it's not us that are sane and you insane?" Fred asked

Arthur gazed at three of his children impassively "Just go… do whatever it is you do in the... whatever of Gred"

"Cult." Fred said

"We shall go prepare a marvelous prank in the name of his prankfullness Gred." All three of them said together as they walked out in single file with their hands clasped behind their backs.

After several minutes, Arthur looked at the clock on the wall. "Time to go to work…" he muttered he stooped over Ron and casted enervate on him before walking out the door.

* * *

**So this turned from quick one-shot into three-shot as per request :D. I'm not sure if it will be as funny as the first chapter, mainly because I wrote the first at 2 in the morning with sleep deprivation, but hell… I'm going to try anyways :P**

**Not sure when I'll get the last chapter out. I've been working on my long term HP Fic called 'The Next Great Adventure'. I originally started this just as something to get my creative juices going. Do check it out if you have the chance. It's the same type of humor… well maybe it might get a **_**bit **_**goofier at times.**

**What happened to Harry during his Talk? What will he be like afterwards? Well, stay tune to find out!**

_Remember to Review!_

_And check out my other stories!_


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